Tag Archives: Pep Guardiola

Copa Del Rey Preview

Okay, let’s face it the new aesthetic in football is parking the bus.  It’s becoming a sure but long way of winning these days.  You may have not known this, as closet (but now open) Barca fan, I regrettably retreated in my dark cave, and tried forcefully to swallow my tongue when I found out Chelsea won.  But alas, I failed and now I have a chance to see Barcelona’s Copa Del Rey final.  Something tells me this is another chance to see failure.

Why? Let’s look at the facts.  Pep has just resigned as Barca manager.  Unfortunate but understandable.   Tito is now appointed (officially!) as manager of the FC Barcelona first team– right before a final.  You can see see this in a good and bad way.  First the bad (since depression seems to follow Barca fans like a shadow lately…)– the bad side is players will probably be extremely confused when Tito will (I pray to the football Gods) actually pick a sensible line-up.  That’s the bad side, now here’s the good.  The good side is FC Barcelona will finally get a sensible starting line-up where players don’t get confused when they’ve just found out they’re placed in the keepers box in place of Victor Valdez.  Rumor has it, that Tito isn’t a fan of picking line-ups out of a hat and getting a little too fancy with the formations.

Where does the failure part come it? Well, once again, because FC Barcelona is all for traditions, we’ve been hit by another plague of injuries.  There’s Puyol’s knee surgery (one defender out), Dani Alves and his mysterious collar bone (defender 2 out), soleus issues, muscle discomfort..(can we throw in a hamstring injury? *knock on wood*)…But you get the point.  It’s either Barca players really do time their injuries at the same time, or…we can blame Shakira (just kidding…unless it’s a valid explanation).

Pep: Ok baby Barca boys….ugh…(I’m getting to old for this…)

Pep needs to recruit from our reserve, no not our bench, our other OTHER reserve.  FC Barcelona’s famous B team just jacked up with talented yet inexperienced players.  Who knows how they’ll do…That photo shows Sergio Roberto… he’s no defender.  So we’re basically out of defenders…Do we still count Gerard Pique? (Damn you Shakira).

Top 5 Real Reasons Pep Guardiola Left FC Barcelona

Image

"Pep saaaaaaaadddddd"

 

1. There’s some underground news about Pep starting a twitter account.  Rumor has it, the three musketeers (Puyol, Cesc, Pique) have recruited the now former coach.  Somehow they’ve convinced the philosophiser of philosophy to preach his speeches online for a bigger audience.  We don’t doubt it, but we’ll be keeping our eyes out for user names like @iamNOTpep / @theCreatorofFCB / @theREALbarcastuff.  Readers who are interested with finding Pep in twitter should find a person using “MOCMOC” other than Puyol, Cesc, and Pique.

2. We’ve also heard that Pep’s starting to get bored with FC Barcelona.  Or he’s “not as enthusiastic” as he was when he started.  Pep may have stated this the wrong way because its not Barca whose getting boring, its the people that play them.  Before, when the young (and still young) wipper-snapper took reign of FCB, no one expected Barca’s attacking philosophy.  Hence teams actually attempted to PLAY.  Nowadays teams park their airplane in the Camp Nou stadium and sit on their ass for the counter.  Hey, it worked for Chelsea…

3. Pep’s fashionable, tailor-made suits has ran rampid in his reign in football.  He’s notorious for well fitted pants and sweater vests.  No matter the weather, below freezing, scalding hot, you’ll see this coach in designer layered suits.  Unfortunately high end fashion designers, with the likes of Valentino and Emporio Armani has taken a new direction.  Take for example, Armani’s new girl Rihanna.  The “Little Miss Sunshine” singer has developed a new image of “gangsta’ life” and Pep, not being well-informed, didn’t want to trade his classy image to be paired up with RiRi’s skank image.

4.  Another speculation is that Pep wants to make an incredible comeback as an FCB player.  Yes this one is true!  Apparently he was extremely jealous of Iniesta’s bursting acting career (¡Piratas!) that Pep wanted to make the ultimate comeback in football in hopes for a movie being made about him.  I can’t find anyone playing Pep better than Pep, so it’s kind of a win, win.

5. Pep also gave a reason for his leaving saying, “I need to recharge my batteries”.  This may mean that he, like Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, will just “walk the Earth”.  Nothing wrong with that either because he may be coming to a city near you!  That or someone just give him some working batteries…LIKE NOW.

Pep’s “Messi” Training Session


Pep: COPY MESSI! BE MESSI!

In a recent training session following the clasico, Pep finally tried to implement Messi’s training style in hopes for his other players to learn from the talented superstar. Luckily, only newcomer Cesc Fabregas took Pep seriously.

Xavi: Here it goes again...

Cesc: "What's Messi doing over there..."

Cesc: Messi has an interesting method....

Cesc: How does being a seal help you in football?..

Puyol: (Has no one told Cesc yet…)

Messi: Masch, not too much effort, okay?

Pep: *sigh*....this isn't working...

Messi: Pep I did good, so I play next match? yay!

Pep’s plan didn’t really work out but thankfully he has a group of talented, able-bodied players for Villareal to play against.

El Clasico 1st Leg Review: Real Madrid 1-2 Barcelona

Mourinho (thinking..):Must make him spontaneously combust...

So for those of you who didn’t watch this match.  Hard to believe since everyone in bloggosphere and twitter have been raving about the recent flood of el clasicos.  But once again we’re back in square one–worrying about the next one coming up in less than a week. (I’m pretty sure the league planned these, rather than draw them…)

The beginning of the match Cristiano Ronaldo (of course) megs an embarrassed Pinto.

Cristiano Ronaldo: "Agh! Too late to dive now!"

 

Iniesta: "Maybe if I pretend to have the ball they'll all chase me!"

Pique: "*Pssstt* you can stop now Pepe, I think he won't give one out.."

Pique: "What?! But I didn't use my hands this time!"

Pep: "Offside??! C'mon ref, it's my birthdayyyy"

Sanchez does his best impression of a seal (unfortunately no goal)

Puyol beaks Newton’s law of gravity

Xavi: Come back down to earth!

Abidal whips out his guns

Abidal: Bang! Bang! Casillas

Messi gets bored

Messi: If it's raining...why am I not wet?

Cristiano Ronaldo: Mourinho said if I think REAL hard, he might explode...

Happy Hour!

Photographer: Can we go one match without a player losing their clothes?...

HO HO HO! Santa’s football wishlist

In the spirit of X-mas we managed to peek at Santa’s secret list and checked what the multi-millionaire, major figures in football want for X-mas.

EPL
Sir Alex Ferguson- for Manchester City to keep Tevez
Wayne Rooney- a red card
(Chelsea manager) Andre Villas-Boas- to sell Fernando Torres
Fernando Torres- a goal
(MCFC manager)Mancini- wants Balotelli to stay on his Xanax regiment
MCFC PRs-wants a break from Balotelli
Micah Richards (MCFC)- wants Balotelli to pass the ball to him
Mario Balotelli- for everything to revolve around himself
Arsene Wenger- to win something this season
Van Persie- to stop carrying an entire team on his back
Gareth Bale- FC Barcelona (just kidding.)

Bundesliga
Thomas Muller- win EURO 2012
Mario Gomes- win EURO 2012
Toni Kroos- win EURO 2012

La Liga
Jose Mourinho- wants to find more excuses for why RM keeps losing El Clasicos
Pep Guardiola- new line-ups to keep people guessing
Messi- to keep playing football
David Villa-understand offsides rule
Cristiano Ronaldo- people to like him
Pepe/Marcelo/Ramos- injure an FCB player
Xavi- space, space, space
Gerard Pique/Carles Puyol/Cesc Fabregas- to own Twitter

An FCB Recap: Finally Finding Their Form

Okay, I’ll be the first one to admit it.  FC Barcelona hasn’t been doing as well as they did last season.  The over-congestion of top class midfielders maybe part of the reason or it maybe that the forwards forgotten how to finish, or its the lack of ball posession (the one defense Barca can rely on).  But everyone must calm down.  In the end, the motto still stands–“IN PEP WE TRUST”.  So here’s what happens to our players after they’ve found their form.

Sanchez: "If this doesn't find the back of the net...I'm fired."

Sanchez finally realizes that taking chances is better than not scoring at all. Like I said, strikers and forwards alike relearn how to finish. Messi, Villa, Sanchez isn’t as catchy as MVP(edro), but I’m sure cules can deal.

Messi: "No one ever carries me like that...maybe I should start scoring again."

I’m sure if the team finds ways to make Messi jealous, especially with people scoring the goals, he’ll make an attempt to find the back of the net.

Xavi "Thank you Sanchez! Maybe Pep will rest me now..."

Xavi makes even more miraculous passes in hopes for Pep to rest him. Especially during games when they’re up 4-0.

Dani Alves: "Congradulations for being onsides!!!"

Villa gets lucky and finds himself onsides. It earns a celebration.

VV: "Ref!! Can we please get yellow cards?"

hmmm…nuff said.

Well, that was pretty much the entirety of the game.  There was a photo op next day for FCB’s yearbook day.  We caught some pictures of the players looking at their club and all its greatness.

Sanchez: "Dani why am I not in here?"

Newbie Sanchez desperately tries to find photos of himself in the yearbook.

Messi: "No words??...just pictures?! I love this book"

Messi is disappointed that all the photos were already colored in.

Next formation 0-10-0

Puyi tries to recruit Pep because???…

Those are our players no matter how weird and unpredictable they are! As you can see, no player rifts in these photos, everyone seems to be content in being at FCB, ect, ect. El Clasico is in 2 weeks and if we can keep this form up, well…we might have a chance! Oh, and Pique might receive a 2 match ban after being accused of deliberately getting a yellow card. (It means he might miss El Clasico). Cross your fingers and—

¡Visca Barca!

An FC Barcelona Thanksgiving : hosted by Pep

Pep:"Thank you! for not injuring youselves!!"

Hello, my name is Pep Guardiola, and I am the manager of FC Barcelona.  Due to the high curiosity of today’s Football press, I was forced…err–convinced–to ask my fellow sunshines players what they were thankful for during this Thanksgiving.  Since we’re mostly 100% Spanish, at first they didn’t understand what holiday I was talking about, but after explaining to them that it’s a holiday of “giving” “thanks” (–hence the name Thanksgiving) they eventually came around (…some faster than others).  I made them write down the things they were thankful for and compiled a list:

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