Tag Archives: Jose Mourinho





A Jose Mourinho Interview

So here we go again! offsidehumor is proud to present an actual written review about the Champions League match of Bayern Munchen vs. Real Madrid.  This will be a different type of review/interview since we have a celebrity guess, courtesy of Jose Mourinho.

Mourinho’s Black Book:
1) Blame the refs
2) Slow ballboys
3) Something with Barcelona
…4)Buy Milk.”


Offsidehumor: Oh boy That was one exciting match! I really can’t believe you guys lost!  The beginning of the first half was intense especially on Real Madrid’s side.  You guys pressed the Bavarians for a good 10 minutes.  Once you guys set the pace, I was sure you guys had this match in the bag.  But how did you feel when Ribery scored so suddenly on that corner kick?

Jose Mourinho: If you squint your eyes, you can clearly see he [Ribery] was in an offside position.  This is clearly the ref’s fault that the ball crossed the goal line.  Why did Ribery score?  Ask Uefa.  Was I surprised? Honestly, yes.  Surprised that UEFA wants Barcelona to win.

Mourinho on fouling: “Clearly this match was rigged from the beginning.  Look at this clear card the referee missed.  It’s because they’re all cheering for Barcelona!!”

Offsidehumor:  I don’t see where Barcelona fits into the equation…But the referee did give out cards for players who fouled.  Including Bayern Munchen.

Mourinho on ref giving out cards to Bayern:Eeeeyy….I was just kidding

Offsidehumor:  Erratic reactions are common in big games like this.  Can you explain what was going on in your mind right after Gomez scored in the 90th minute?  Can you explain the photo I’m about to show you:

Jose Mourinho on the photo above:I reacted that way because that goal was also unfair.  Casillas was clearly not ready for that goal, therefore it shouldn’t be allowed.  Here, I will show you my photo:

…..as for my body position…I didn’t get a chance to use the toilet during half-time.

Offsidehumor: Okay…Well during stoppage time, Marcelo once again performed a dirty tackle on Thomas Muller reminiscent of the one against Cesc Fabregas.

Mourinho on Marcelo’s tackle: Marcelo just mistaken Muller as Fabregas thats all.  Let’s be honest, he’s not really the brightest crayon in the box.

Offsidehumor: So if it was Cesc, that tackle would be okay?

Mourinho: Ehh…next question por favor.

Offsidehumor: Well that’s all the questions I have.  Thanks for the insight.  Oh by the way, Mario Gomez said that they can’t wait to set Madrid on fire for the return leg.  Any comments?

Mourinho: *writes in notepad and smirks*(…Finally something to talk about during the press conference) …Perdon? Gomez said what?

Recap of El Clasico Copa del Rey

You may know Jose Mourinho as the pseudo-mind playing-extra ballboy-chosen one, but he also earned his credential as a master insulter. After yet another unfair match against Barcelona, yes these opinions are starting to become as frequent as the el clasico’s themselves, Mourinho took his complaints one step further and decided to go straight to the source of why he and his team of models lost the match against Barcelona.

Against all warnings, he risked his life for a couple of minutes in the territory of Camp Nou, just so he can have a “talk” with the refs.  Reports say he insulted them for probably causing Real Madrid a shot at the Copa del Rey title, but it was most likely for causing them to lose to Barcelona…(again).  He apparently insulted the poor refs (who actually made the game pretty even since ALL calls on BOTH teams were pretty terrible) for not letting them qualify.

Mourinho (to the refs): We were the better team today.  We deserved less unfair calls against Barcelona.  Our 20 something fouls earned us the right to go to the semis.

Ref: Yeah but the final aggregate score was 4-3 Barcelona.  You can’t change the numbers.

Mourinho: But I can change you….and the assistant ref.  And the linesman, and the ballboys.  Not to mention the people in UNICEF…. ESPECIALLY the people in UNICEF.

The only thing Mou isn’t blaming is the universe.


Wait, he blamed that last season…

El Clasico 1st Leg Review: Real Madrid 1-2 Barcelona

Mourinho (thinking..):Must make him spontaneously combust...

So for those of you who didn’t watch this match.  Hard to believe since everyone in bloggosphere and twitter have been raving about the recent flood of el clasicos.  But once again we’re back in square one–worrying about the next one coming up in less than a week. (I’m pretty sure the league planned these, rather than draw them…)

The beginning of the match Cristiano Ronaldo (of course) megs an embarrassed Pinto.

Cristiano Ronaldo: "Agh! Too late to dive now!"


Iniesta: "Maybe if I pretend to have the ball they'll all chase me!"

Pique: "*Pssstt* you can stop now Pepe, I think he won't give one out.."

Pique: "What?! But I didn't use my hands this time!"

Pep: "Offside??! C'mon ref, it's my birthdayyyy"

Sanchez does his best impression of a seal (unfortunately no goal)

Puyol beaks Newton’s law of gravity

Xavi: Come back down to earth!

Abidal whips out his guns

Abidal: Bang! Bang! Casillas

Messi gets bored

Messi: If it's raining...why am I not wet?

Cristiano Ronaldo: Mourinho said if I think REAL hard, he might explode...

Happy Hour!

Photographer: Can we go one match without a player losing their clothes?...

Mourinho’s Ploy: Messi’s New Adidas Shoes

Messi: "A free trophy AND free shoes!? Messi-gusta!"

As you may have heard (under all those Balotelli headlines in the media) Lionel Messi has won yet another Ballon d’Or trophy for being the best footballer out there.  It’s his three consecutive win for this award and *knock on wood* it won’t be his last.  On top of that, Adidas wants his to wear a pair of obnoxious colored boots to match his obnoxious trophy room.  But is our favorite velvet wearing football player in for sabotage?

These shoes seem as heavy as those 3 trophies!

Underneath all the good news are these golden colored Adidas cleats.  I’m up for a player being flashy on the pitch, as long as their personality lives up to it.  Case and point, Cristiano Ronaldo, pops the collar (totally not part or function of the uniform), unnecessary step-overs, slick hair, and obnoxious colored shoes.  It’s good, it WORKS.  Messi on the other hand, efficient, not flamboyant, total football.  These shoes seemed like a weird pairing for him.  But unreliable online sources say that Mourinho set this whole thing up to finally stop the unstoppable Lionel Messi.  It may just look like golden shoes but in reality they ARE golden shoes.  That’s probably another 20 pounds Lionel has to run around with.  And I doubt that he’ll reject wearing these hideous boots in fear of losing another crappy Adidas ad–that everyone (including myself) will probably youtube eventually.

Mourinho: "He won't even know what hit him..."

Yet another build up for the El Clasico.

HO HO HO! Santa’s football wishlist

In the spirit of X-mas we managed to peek at Santa’s secret list and checked what the multi-millionaire, major figures in football want for X-mas.

Sir Alex Ferguson- for Manchester City to keep Tevez
Wayne Rooney- a red card
(Chelsea manager) Andre Villas-Boas- to sell Fernando Torres
Fernando Torres- a goal
(MCFC manager)Mancini- wants Balotelli to stay on his Xanax regiment
MCFC PRs-wants a break from Balotelli
Micah Richards (MCFC)- wants Balotelli to pass the ball to him
Mario Balotelli- for everything to revolve around himself
Arsene Wenger- to win something this season
Van Persie- to stop carrying an entire team on his back
Gareth Bale- FC Barcelona (just kidding.)

Thomas Muller- win EURO 2012
Mario Gomes- win EURO 2012
Toni Kroos- win EURO 2012

La Liga
Jose Mourinho- wants to find more excuses for why RM keeps losing El Clasicos
Pep Guardiola- new line-ups to keep people guessing
Messi- to keep playing football
David Villa-understand offsides rule
Cristiano Ronaldo- people to like him
Pepe/Marcelo/Ramos- injure an FCB player
Xavi- space, space, space
Gerard Pique/Carles Puyol/Cesc Fabregas- to own Twitter

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