Tag Archives: FC Barcelona

Copa Del Rey Preview

Okay, let’s face it the new aesthetic in football is parking the bus.  It’s becoming a sure but long way of winning these days.  You may have not known this, as closet (but now open) Barca fan, I regrettably retreated in my dark cave, and tried forcefully to swallow my tongue when I found out Chelsea won.  But alas, I failed and now I have a chance to see Barcelona’s Copa Del Rey final.  Something tells me this is another chance to see failure.

Why? Let’s look at the facts.  Pep has just resigned as Barca manager.  Unfortunate but understandable.   Tito is now appointed (officially!) as manager of the FC Barcelona first team– right before a final.  You can see see this in a good and bad way.  First the bad (since depression seems to follow Barca fans like a shadow lately…)– the bad side is players will probably be extremely confused when Tito will (I pray to the football Gods) actually pick a sensible line-up.  That’s the bad side, now here’s the good.  The good side is FC Barcelona will finally get a sensible starting line-up where players don’t get confused when they’ve just found out they’re placed in the keepers box in place of Victor Valdez.  Rumor has it, that Tito isn’t a fan of picking line-ups out of a hat and getting a little too fancy with the formations.

Where does the failure part come it? Well, once again, because FC Barcelona is all for traditions, we’ve been hit by another plague of injuries.  There’s Puyol’s knee surgery (one defender out), Dani Alves and his mysterious collar bone (defender 2 out), soleus issues, muscle discomfort..(can we throw in a hamstring injury? *knock on wood*)…But you get the point.  It’s either Barca players really do time their injuries at the same time, or…we can blame Shakira (just kidding…unless it’s a valid explanation).

Pep: Ok baby Barca boys….ugh…(I’m getting to old for this…)

Pep needs to recruit from our reserve, no not our bench, our other OTHER reserve.  FC Barcelona’s famous B team just jacked up with talented yet inexperienced players.  Who knows how they’ll do…That photo shows Sergio Roberto… he’s no defender.  So we’re basically out of defenders…Do we still count Gerard Pique? (Damn you Shakira).

Top 5 Real Reasons Pep Guardiola Left FC Barcelona

Image

"Pep saaaaaaaadddddd"

 

1. There’s some underground news about Pep starting a twitter account.  Rumor has it, the three musketeers (Puyol, Cesc, Pique) have recruited the now former coach.  Somehow they’ve convinced the philosophiser of philosophy to preach his speeches online for a bigger audience.  We don’t doubt it, but we’ll be keeping our eyes out for user names like @iamNOTpep / @theCreatorofFCB / @theREALbarcastuff.  Readers who are interested with finding Pep in twitter should find a person using “MOCMOC” other than Puyol, Cesc, and Pique.

2. We’ve also heard that Pep’s starting to get bored with FC Barcelona.  Or he’s “not as enthusiastic” as he was when he started.  Pep may have stated this the wrong way because its not Barca whose getting boring, its the people that play them.  Before, when the young (and still young) wipper-snapper took reign of FCB, no one expected Barca’s attacking philosophy.  Hence teams actually attempted to PLAY.  Nowadays teams park their airplane in the Camp Nou stadium and sit on their ass for the counter.  Hey, it worked for Chelsea…

3. Pep’s fashionable, tailor-made suits has ran rampid in his reign in football.  He’s notorious for well fitted pants and sweater vests.  No matter the weather, below freezing, scalding hot, you’ll see this coach in designer layered suits.  Unfortunately high end fashion designers, with the likes of Valentino and Emporio Armani has taken a new direction.  Take for example, Armani’s new girl Rihanna.  The “Little Miss Sunshine” singer has developed a new image of “gangsta’ life” and Pep, not being well-informed, didn’t want to trade his classy image to be paired up with RiRi’s skank image.

4.  Another speculation is that Pep wants to make an incredible comeback as an FCB player.  Yes this one is true!  Apparently he was extremely jealous of Iniesta’s bursting acting career (¡Piratas!) that Pep wanted to make the ultimate comeback in football in hopes for a movie being made about him.  I can’t find anyone playing Pep better than Pep, so it’s kind of a win, win.

5. Pep also gave a reason for his leaving saying, “I need to recharge my batteries”.  This may mean that he, like Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, will just “walk the Earth”.  Nothing wrong with that either because he may be coming to a city near you!  That or someone just give him some working batteries…LIKE NOW.

Pep’s “Messi” Training Session


Pep: COPY MESSI! BE MESSI!

In a recent training session following the clasico, Pep finally tried to implement Messi’s training style in hopes for his other players to learn from the talented superstar. Luckily, only newcomer Cesc Fabregas took Pep seriously.

Xavi: Here it goes again...

Cesc: "What's Messi doing over there..."

Cesc: Messi has an interesting method....

Cesc: How does being a seal help you in football?..

Puyol: (Has no one told Cesc yet…)

Messi: Masch, not too much effort, okay?

Pep: *sigh*....this isn't working...

Messi: Pep I did good, so I play next match? yay!

Pep’s plan didn’t really work out but thankfully he has a group of talented, able-bodied players for Villareal to play against.

Recap of El Clasico Copa del Rey

You may know Jose Mourinho as the pseudo-mind playing-extra ballboy-chosen one, but he also earned his credential as a master insulter. After yet another unfair match against Barcelona, yes these opinions are starting to become as frequent as the el clasico’s themselves, Mourinho took his complaints one step further and decided to go straight to the source of why he and his team of models lost the match against Barcelona.

Against all warnings, he risked his life for a couple of minutes in the territory of Camp Nou, just so he can have a “talk” with the refs.  Reports say he insulted them for probably causing Real Madrid a shot at the Copa del Rey title, but it was most likely for causing them to lose to Barcelona…(again).  He apparently insulted the poor refs (who actually made the game pretty even since ALL calls on BOTH teams were pretty terrible) for not letting them qualify.

Mourinho (to the refs): We were the better team today.  We deserved less unfair calls against Barcelona.  Our 20 something fouls earned us the right to go to the semis.

Ref: Yeah but the final aggregate score was 4-3 Barcelona.  You can’t change the numbers.

Mourinho: But I can change you….and the assistant ref.  And the linesman, and the ballboys.  Not to mention the people in UNICEF…. ESPECIALLY the people in UNICEF.

The only thing Mou isn’t blaming is the universe.

….

Wait, he blamed that last season…

Preparing for Real Madrid

Yet another clasico will be coming, and in Iker’s words, “it’s getting decaffeinated” because they’re getting so frequent.  I have to disagree because from the looks of it, Barcelona is still preparing like it’s an EL clasico.  We have a picture and conversation of Leo Messi and lieutenant wing-man, Adriano, about their preparation for the clasico:

Messi..training?

Messi: Adriano, how do you think Real Madrid will look in this weeks el clasico?

Adriano: Well, I know they’re going to hit us fast with counters.  Cristiano can meg Pinto as many times as he wants, and Pique probably won’t be there to save him unless Puyi plays.  They might go the defensive route and park the bus since they’re only down by 1 goal.  I mean, if it goes down to penalty kick (might as well meg Pinto 5 more times..) we might as well give them the Copa del Rey title. Why? How do you think they’ll look?

Messi: . . .

Nothing…nevermind.

El Clasico 1st Leg Review: Real Madrid 1-2 Barcelona

Mourinho (thinking..):Must make him spontaneously combust...

So for those of you who didn’t watch this match.  Hard to believe since everyone in bloggosphere and twitter have been raving about the recent flood of el clasicos.  But once again we’re back in square one–worrying about the next one coming up in less than a week. (I’m pretty sure the league planned these, rather than draw them…)

The beginning of the match Cristiano Ronaldo (of course) megs an embarrassed Pinto.

Cristiano Ronaldo: "Agh! Too late to dive now!"

 

Iniesta: "Maybe if I pretend to have the ball they'll all chase me!"

Pique: "*Pssstt* you can stop now Pepe, I think he won't give one out.."

Pique: "What?! But I didn't use my hands this time!"

Pep: "Offside??! C'mon ref, it's my birthdayyyy"

Sanchez does his best impression of a seal (unfortunately no goal)

Puyol beaks Newton’s law of gravity

Xavi: Come back down to earth!

Abidal whips out his guns

Abidal: Bang! Bang! Casillas

Messi gets bored

Messi: If it's raining...why am I not wet?

Cristiano Ronaldo: Mourinho said if I think REAL hard, he might explode...

Happy Hour!

Photographer: Can we go one match without a player losing their clothes?...

Mourinho’s Ploy: Messi’s New Adidas Shoes

Messi: "A free trophy AND free shoes!? Messi-gusta!"

As you may have heard (under all those Balotelli headlines in the media) Lionel Messi has won yet another Ballon d’Or trophy for being the best footballer out there.  It’s his three consecutive win for this award and *knock on wood* it won’t be his last.  On top of that, Adidas wants his to wear a pair of obnoxious colored boots to match his obnoxious trophy room.  But is our favorite velvet wearing football player in for sabotage?

These shoes seem as heavy as those 3 trophies!

Underneath all the good news are these golden colored Adidas cleats.  I’m up for a player being flashy on the pitch, as long as their personality lives up to it.  Case and point, Cristiano Ronaldo, pops the collar (totally not part or function of the uniform), unnecessary step-overs, slick hair, and obnoxious colored shoes.  It’s good, it WORKS.  Messi on the other hand, efficient, not flamboyant, total football.  These shoes seemed like a weird pairing for him.  But unreliable online sources say that Mourinho set this whole thing up to finally stop the unstoppable Lionel Messi.  It may just look like golden shoes but in reality they ARE golden shoes.  That’s probably another 20 pounds Lionel has to run around with.  And I doubt that he’ll reject wearing these hideous boots in fear of losing another crappy Adidas ad–that everyone (including myself) will probably youtube eventually.

Mourinho: "He won't even know what hit him..."

Yet another build up for the El Clasico.