Tag Archives: Champions League

Aside

It’s hard to be Cristiano Ronaldo.  No, it’s not because he’s a worldclass football player, rich, tan within an inch of his life, or (to most women…and men) “good-looking”, it’s hard to be CR7 because of the massive ego a … Continue reading

A Quiet Victory

Found a nice short post about the Champions League outcome.

http://bit.ly/KPRgWk

 

Top 5 Real Reasons Pep Guardiola Left FC Barcelona

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"Pep saaaaaaaadddddd"

 

1. There’s some underground news about Pep starting a twitter account.  Rumor has it, the three musketeers (Puyol, Cesc, Pique) have recruited the now former coach.  Somehow they’ve convinced the philosophiser of philosophy to preach his speeches online for a bigger audience.  We don’t doubt it, but we’ll be keeping our eyes out for user names like @iamNOTpep / @theCreatorofFCB / @theREALbarcastuff.  Readers who are interested with finding Pep in twitter should find a person using “MOCMOC” other than Puyol, Cesc, and Pique.

2. We’ve also heard that Pep’s starting to get bored with FC Barcelona.  Or he’s “not as enthusiastic” as he was when he started.  Pep may have stated this the wrong way because its not Barca whose getting boring, its the people that play them.  Before, when the young (and still young) wipper-snapper took reign of FCB, no one expected Barca’s attacking philosophy.  Hence teams actually attempted to PLAY.  Nowadays teams park their airplane in the Camp Nou stadium and sit on their ass for the counter.  Hey, it worked for Chelsea…

3. Pep’s fashionable, tailor-made suits has ran rampid in his reign in football.  He’s notorious for well fitted pants and sweater vests.  No matter the weather, below freezing, scalding hot, you’ll see this coach in designer layered suits.  Unfortunately high end fashion designers, with the likes of Valentino and Emporio Armani has taken a new direction.  Take for example, Armani’s new girl Rihanna.  The “Little Miss Sunshine” singer has developed a new image of “gangsta’ life” and Pep, not being well-informed, didn’t want to trade his classy image to be paired up with RiRi’s skank image.

4.  Another speculation is that Pep wants to make an incredible comeback as an FCB player.  Yes this one is true!  Apparently he was extremely jealous of Iniesta’s bursting acting career (¡Piratas!) that Pep wanted to make the ultimate comeback in football in hopes for a movie being made about him.  I can’t find anyone playing Pep better than Pep, so it’s kind of a win, win.

5. Pep also gave a reason for his leaving saying, “I need to recharge my batteries”.  This may mean that he, like Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, will just “walk the Earth”.  Nothing wrong with that either because he may be coming to a city near you!  That or someone just give him some working batteries…LIKE NOW.

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Mario Gomez Porn.

Pornography is definitely looked down upon here at offside hooligans, but as a congratulatory exception (because of the whole Bayern Munich going to the finals) we’ll give you a little bit of Mario Gomez’s body of work.

Super German, super FOINE!

A Jose Mourinho Interview

So here we go again! offsidehumor is proud to present an actual written review about the Champions League match of Bayern Munchen vs. Real Madrid.  This will be a different type of review/interview since we have a celebrity guess, courtesy of Jose Mourinho.


Mourinho’s Black Book:
1) Blame the refs
2) Slow ballboys
3) Something with Barcelona
…4)Buy Milk.”

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Offsidehumor: Oh boy That was one exciting match! I really can’t believe you guys lost!  The beginning of the first half was intense especially on Real Madrid’s side.  You guys pressed the Bavarians for a good 10 minutes.  Once you guys set the pace, I was sure you guys had this match in the bag.  But how did you feel when Ribery scored so suddenly on that corner kick?

Jose Mourinho: If you squint your eyes, you can clearly see he [Ribery] was in an offside position.  This is clearly the ref’s fault that the ball crossed the goal line.  Why did Ribery score?  Ask Uefa.  Was I surprised? Honestly, yes.  Surprised that UEFA wants Barcelona to win.

Mourinho on fouling: “Clearly this match was rigged from the beginning.  Look at this clear card the referee missed.  It’s because they’re all cheering for Barcelona!!”

Offsidehumor:  I don’t see where Barcelona fits into the equation…But the referee did give out cards for players who fouled.  Including Bayern Munchen.

Mourinho on ref giving out cards to Bayern:Eeeeyy….I was just kidding

Offsidehumor:  Erratic reactions are common in big games like this.  Can you explain what was going on in your mind right after Gomez scored in the 90th minute?  Can you explain the photo I’m about to show you:

Jose Mourinho on the photo above:I reacted that way because that goal was also unfair.  Casillas was clearly not ready for that goal, therefore it shouldn’t be allowed.  Here, I will show you my photo:

…..as for my body position…I didn’t get a chance to use the toilet during half-time.

Offsidehumor: Okay…Well during stoppage time, Marcelo once again performed a dirty tackle on Thomas Muller reminiscent of the one against Cesc Fabregas.

Mourinho on Marcelo’s tackle: Marcelo just mistaken Muller as Fabregas thats all.  Let’s be honest, he’s not really the brightest crayon in the box.

Offsidehumor: So if it was Cesc, that tackle would be okay?

Mourinho: Ehh…next question por favor.

Offsidehumor: Well that’s all the questions I have.  Thanks for the insight.  Oh by the way, Mario Gomez said that they can’t wait to set Madrid on fire for the return leg.  Any comments?

Mourinho: *writes in notepad and smirks*(…Finally something to talk about during the press conference) …Perdon? Gomez said what?

Fernando Torres Gets Bewitched. Andres Iniesta develops his ESP.


During yesterday’s Champions League match (Chelsea vs. KCR GenK) Fernando Torres displayed an exceptional performance that finally shut me and probably thousands up.  Speculations of El Nino’s new and long awaited improved form was due to his teammate and certified Brazilian witchdoctor David Luiz.  Luiz was probably desperate to get Torres into shape to finally equalize the transfer fee of Torres to Chelsea.  This lead to a 5-0 trashing and an optimistic Torres.  Now off to learn what secret chants Lionel Messi uses…

 

Meanwhile on the pitch of Camp Nou, Andres Iniesta further develops his telepathic ability by using a new partner Lionel Messi.  Iniesta’s telepathic ability is starting to rival Villa’s ability to be offsides.  Case and point, Iniesta’s telepathic connection with Xavi are to no one’s surprise (last years season provided more than enough evidence to make it a known fact).  So while UEFA are still debating on whether to ban this 6th sense,  Iniesta continues to make the impossible look impossibly easy.