Mario Gomez Porn.

Pornography is definitely looked down upon here at offside hooligans, but as a congratulatory exception (because of the whole Bayern Munich going to the finals) we’ll give you a little bit of Mario Gomez’s body of work.

Super German, super FOINE!

A Jose Mourinho Interview

So here we go again! offsidehumor is proud to present an actual written review about the Champions League match of Bayern Munchen vs. Real Madrid.  This will be a different type of review/interview since we have a celebrity guess, courtesy of Jose Mourinho.


Mourinho’s Black Book:
1) Blame the refs
2) Slow ballboys
3) Something with Barcelona
…4)Buy Milk.”

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Offsidehumor: Oh boy That was one exciting match! I really can’t believe you guys lost!  The beginning of the first half was intense especially on Real Madrid’s side.  You guys pressed the Bavarians for a good 10 minutes.  Once you guys set the pace, I was sure you guys had this match in the bag.  But how did you feel when Ribery scored so suddenly on that corner kick?

Jose Mourinho: If you squint your eyes, you can clearly see he [Ribery] was in an offside position.  This is clearly the ref’s fault that the ball crossed the goal line.  Why did Ribery score?  Ask Uefa.  Was I surprised? Honestly, yes.  Surprised that UEFA wants Barcelona to win.

Mourinho on fouling: “Clearly this match was rigged from the beginning.  Look at this clear card the referee missed.  It’s because they’re all cheering for Barcelona!!”

Offsidehumor:  I don’t see where Barcelona fits into the equation…But the referee did give out cards for players who fouled.  Including Bayern Munchen.

Mourinho on ref giving out cards to Bayern:Eeeeyy….I was just kidding

Offsidehumor:  Erratic reactions are common in big games like this.  Can you explain what was going on in your mind right after Gomez scored in the 90th minute?  Can you explain the photo I’m about to show you:

Jose Mourinho on the photo above:I reacted that way because that goal was also unfair.  Casillas was clearly not ready for that goal, therefore it shouldn’t be allowed.  Here, I will show you my photo:

…..as for my body position…I didn’t get a chance to use the toilet during half-time.

Offsidehumor: Okay…Well during stoppage time, Marcelo once again performed a dirty tackle on Thomas Muller reminiscent of the one against Cesc Fabregas.

Mourinho on Marcelo’s tackle: Marcelo just mistaken Muller as Fabregas thats all.  Let’s be honest, he’s not really the brightest crayon in the box.

Offsidehumor: So if it was Cesc, that tackle would be okay?

Mourinho: Ehh…next question por favor.

Offsidehumor: Well that’s all the questions I have.  Thanks for the insight.  Oh by the way, Mario Gomez said that they can’t wait to set Madrid on fire for the return leg.  Any comments?

Mourinho: *writes in notepad and smirks*(…Finally something to talk about during the press conference) …Perdon? Gomez said what?

Pep’s “Messi” Training Session


Pep: COPY MESSI! BE MESSI!

In a recent training session following the clasico, Pep finally tried to implement Messi’s training style in hopes for his other players to learn from the talented superstar. Luckily, only newcomer Cesc Fabregas took Pep seriously.

Xavi: Here it goes again...

Cesc: "What's Messi doing over there..."

Cesc: Messi has an interesting method....

Cesc: How does being a seal help you in football?..

Puyol: (Has no one told Cesc yet…)

Messi: Masch, not too much effort, okay?

Pep: *sigh*....this isn't working...

Messi: Pep I did good, so I play next match? yay!

Pep’s plan didn’t really work out but thankfully he has a group of talented, able-bodied players for Villareal to play against.

Recap of El Clasico Copa del Rey

You may know Jose Mourinho as the pseudo-mind playing-extra ballboy-chosen one, but he also earned his credential as a master insulter. After yet another unfair match against Barcelona, yes these opinions are starting to become as frequent as the el clasico’s themselves, Mourinho took his complaints one step further and decided to go straight to the source of why he and his team of models lost the match against Barcelona.

Against all warnings, he risked his life for a couple of minutes in the territory of Camp Nou, just so he can have a “talk” with the refs.  Reports say he insulted them for probably causing Real Madrid a shot at the Copa del Rey title, but it was most likely for causing them to lose to Barcelona…(again).  He apparently insulted the poor refs (who actually made the game pretty even since ALL calls on BOTH teams were pretty terrible) for not letting them qualify.

Mourinho (to the refs): We were the better team today.  We deserved less unfair calls against Barcelona.  Our 20 something fouls earned us the right to go to the semis.

Ref: Yeah but the final aggregate score was 4-3 Barcelona.  You can’t change the numbers.

Mourinho: But I can change you….and the assistant ref.  And the linesman, and the ballboys.  Not to mention the people in UNICEF…. ESPECIALLY the people in UNICEF.

The only thing Mou isn’t blaming is the universe.

….

Wait, he blamed that last season…

Preparing for Real Madrid

Yet another clasico will be coming, and in Iker’s words, “it’s getting decaffeinated” because they’re getting so frequent.  I have to disagree because from the looks of it, Barcelona is still preparing like it’s an EL clasico.  We have a picture and conversation of Leo Messi and lieutenant wing-man, Adriano, about their preparation for the clasico:

Messi..training?

Messi: Adriano, how do you think Real Madrid will look in this weeks el clasico?

Adriano: Well, I know they’re going to hit us fast with counters.  Cristiano can meg Pinto as many times as he wants, and Pique probably won’t be there to save him unless Puyi plays.  They might go the defensive route and park the bus since they’re only down by 1 goal.  I mean, if it goes down to penalty kick (might as well meg Pinto 5 more times..) we might as well give them the Copa del Rey title. Why? How do you think they’ll look?

Messi: . . .

Nothing…nevermind.

Player Reviews: el clasico

To add to offsidehumor’s point of view here are a couple of player reviews on the match, via twitter.

Continue reading

El Clasico 1st Leg Review: Real Madrid 1-2 Barcelona

Mourinho (thinking..):Must make him spontaneously combust...

So for those of you who didn’t watch this match.  Hard to believe since everyone in bloggosphere and twitter have been raving about the recent flood of el clasicos.  But once again we’re back in square one–worrying about the next one coming up in less than a week. (I’m pretty sure the league planned these, rather than draw them…)

The beginning of the match Cristiano Ronaldo (of course) megs an embarrassed Pinto.

Cristiano Ronaldo: "Agh! Too late to dive now!"

 

Iniesta: "Maybe if I pretend to have the ball they'll all chase me!"

Pique: "*Pssstt* you can stop now Pepe, I think he won't give one out.."

Pique: "What?! But I didn't use my hands this time!"

Pep: "Offside??! C'mon ref, it's my birthdayyyy"

Sanchez does his best impression of a seal (unfortunately no goal)

Puyol beaks Newton’s law of gravity

Xavi: Come back down to earth!

Abidal whips out his guns

Abidal: Bang! Bang! Casillas

Messi gets bored

Messi: If it's raining...why am I not wet?

Cristiano Ronaldo: Mourinho said if I think REAL hard, he might explode...

Happy Hour!

Photographer: Can we go one match without a player losing their clothes?...