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Euro 2012 …so far

So here we are again. Another major competition and another chance to dissect national teams for players who may or may not deserve to be there.  Before bantering about stand out players I’ll just put this out there, Netherlands deserve to qualify.  No offense to team Cristiano Ronaldo (your posts have kept us afloat in terms of the people who view this nonsense) but playing wise Netherlands play a cleaner and more fast pace game.  It’s just unlucky that Denmark won the lottery for their match against Netherlands. Since we got that straightened out, there are huge surprises in this years Euros.

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Let’s start with Xavi Hernandez.  No doubt this guy practices his math to the bone.  His passes are dead on accurate and he managed to set a new record for most passes, and on top of that managed to embarrass Ireland by pretty much triple-quadrupling the amount of passes they made in the entire match.  I think the crazy statistic came out to be 136 passes and 127 completed.  Not to mention everytime he passed it was to the dominant foot of the player, but only because he’s half cyborg.

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Fernando Torres is back?! I know it’s hard for me to believe this also but against a team with a non-existing defense, it reaches the point of being ALMOST believable.  Fernando Torres ended up scoring against Ireland and ending his goal drought.  Believe me, if you haven’t been watching football for very long El Nino’s droughts aren’t like Messi’s (whose droughts last for 90 minutes).  El Nino has been on a 2 year goal-less streak for his national team.  Is he finally getting back into shape?  Is it because David Silva’s new found Spanglish helped him understand what assists Fernando Torres wants?  Did UEFAlona pay off Ireland? 

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Pique: “SEE NANDO it’s called a NET! now teach it to Villa”

Enough about Spain.  We know they’re good and we know they’re favorites.  So let’s switch to an even younger and blonder team.  Yes, we’re talking about the big looking German people called Mannschaft.  Geeze Germans these days… they’re all heart and all skill.  It’s refreshing to see a fast pace attacking game with a huge chance of seeing some shirtless bodies at the end.

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Uber Badstuber and T Mullz have been a crucial part of the German team.  Uber Badstuber is pretty much as solid as a defense gets.  And Thomas Muller’s crosses are fast and deadly.  If only they stop losing the damn ball so much they’d be up by a billion goals by halftime ends.

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Lastly, Mario Gomez’s 22 seconds of ball possession in the entire Euro 2012 yeilded 3 goals for the Germans already.  Efficient aren’t they.  It’s a shame that he didn’t take his shirt off for this photo though. 

 

Keep watching!

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Aside

It’s hard to be Cristiano Ronaldo.  No, it’s not because he’s a worldclass football player, rich, tan within an inch of his life, or (to most women…and men) “good-looking”, it’s hard to be CR7 because of the massive ego a … Continue reading

A Quiet Victory

Found a nice short post about the Champions League outcome.

http://bit.ly/KPRgWk

 

Top 5 Real Reasons Pep Guardiola Left FC Barcelona

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"Pep saaaaaaaadddddd"

 

1. There’s some underground news about Pep starting a twitter account.  Rumor has it, the three musketeers (Puyol, Cesc, Pique) have recruited the now former coach.  Somehow they’ve convinced the philosophiser of philosophy to preach his speeches online for a bigger audience.  We don’t doubt it, but we’ll be keeping our eyes out for user names like @iamNOTpep / @theCreatorofFCB / @theREALbarcastuff.  Readers who are interested with finding Pep in twitter should find a person using “MOCMOC” other than Puyol, Cesc, and Pique.

2. We’ve also heard that Pep’s starting to get bored with FC Barcelona.  Or he’s “not as enthusiastic” as he was when he started.  Pep may have stated this the wrong way because its not Barca whose getting boring, its the people that play them.  Before, when the young (and still young) wipper-snapper took reign of FCB, no one expected Barca’s attacking philosophy.  Hence teams actually attempted to PLAY.  Nowadays teams park their airplane in the Camp Nou stadium and sit on their ass for the counter.  Hey, it worked for Chelsea…

3. Pep’s fashionable, tailor-made suits has ran rampid in his reign in football.  He’s notorious for well fitted pants and sweater vests.  No matter the weather, below freezing, scalding hot, you’ll see this coach in designer layered suits.  Unfortunately high end fashion designers, with the likes of Valentino and Emporio Armani has taken a new direction.  Take for example, Armani’s new girl Rihanna.  The “Little Miss Sunshine” singer has developed a new image of “gangsta’ life” and Pep, not being well-informed, didn’t want to trade his classy image to be paired up with RiRi’s skank image.

4.  Another speculation is that Pep wants to make an incredible comeback as an FCB player.  Yes this one is true!  Apparently he was extremely jealous of Iniesta’s bursting acting career (¡Piratas!) that Pep wanted to make the ultimate comeback in football in hopes for a movie being made about him.  I can’t find anyone playing Pep better than Pep, so it’s kind of a win, win.

5. Pep also gave a reason for his leaving saying, “I need to recharge my batteries”.  This may mean that he, like Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, will just “walk the Earth”.  Nothing wrong with that either because he may be coming to a city near you!  That or someone just give him some working batteries…LIKE NOW.

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A Jose Mourinho Interview

So here we go again! offsidehumor is proud to present an actual written review about the Champions League match of Bayern Munchen vs. Real Madrid.  This will be a different type of review/interview since we have a celebrity guess, courtesy of Jose Mourinho.


Mourinho’s Black Book:
1) Blame the refs
2) Slow ballboys
3) Something with Barcelona
…4)Buy Milk.”

[[MORE]]

Offsidehumor: Oh boy That was one exciting match! I really can’t believe you guys lost!  The beginning of the first half was intense especially on Real Madrid’s side.  You guys pressed the Bavarians for a good 10 minutes.  Once you guys set the pace, I was sure you guys had this match in the bag.  But how did you feel when Ribery scored so suddenly on that corner kick?

Jose Mourinho: If you squint your eyes, you can clearly see he [Ribery] was in an offside position.  This is clearly the ref’s fault that the ball crossed the goal line.  Why did Ribery score?  Ask Uefa.  Was I surprised? Honestly, yes.  Surprised that UEFA wants Barcelona to win.

Mourinho on fouling: “Clearly this match was rigged from the beginning.  Look at this clear card the referee missed.  It’s because they’re all cheering for Barcelona!!”

Offsidehumor:  I don’t see where Barcelona fits into the equation…But the referee did give out cards for players who fouled.  Including Bayern Munchen.

Mourinho on ref giving out cards to Bayern:Eeeeyy….I was just kidding

Offsidehumor:  Erratic reactions are common in big games like this.  Can you explain what was going on in your mind right after Gomez scored in the 90th minute?  Can you explain the photo I’m about to show you:

Jose Mourinho on the photo above:I reacted that way because that goal was also unfair.  Casillas was clearly not ready for that goal, therefore it shouldn’t be allowed.  Here, I will show you my photo:

…..as for my body position…I didn’t get a chance to use the toilet during half-time.

Offsidehumor: Okay…Well during stoppage time, Marcelo once again performed a dirty tackle on Thomas Muller reminiscent of the one against Cesc Fabregas.

Mourinho on Marcelo’s tackle: Marcelo just mistaken Muller as Fabregas thats all.  Let’s be honest, he’s not really the brightest crayon in the box.

Offsidehumor: So if it was Cesc, that tackle would be okay?

Mourinho: Ehh…next question por favor.

Offsidehumor: Well that’s all the questions I have.  Thanks for the insight.  Oh by the way, Mario Gomez said that they can’t wait to set Madrid on fire for the return leg.  Any comments?

Mourinho: *writes in notepad and smirks*(…Finally something to talk about during the press conference) …Perdon? Gomez said what?

HO HO HO! Santa’s football wishlist

In the spirit of X-mas we managed to peek at Santa’s secret list and checked what the multi-millionaire, major figures in football want for X-mas.

EPL
Sir Alex Ferguson- for Manchester City to keep Tevez
Wayne Rooney- a red card
(Chelsea manager) Andre Villas-Boas- to sell Fernando Torres
Fernando Torres- a goal
(MCFC manager)Mancini- wants Balotelli to stay on his Xanax regiment
MCFC PRs-wants a break from Balotelli
Micah Richards (MCFC)- wants Balotelli to pass the ball to him
Mario Balotelli- for everything to revolve around himself
Arsene Wenger- to win something this season
Van Persie- to stop carrying an entire team on his back
Gareth Bale- FC Barcelona (just kidding.)

Bundesliga
Thomas Muller- win EURO 2012
Mario Gomes- win EURO 2012
Toni Kroos- win EURO 2012

La Liga
Jose Mourinho- wants to find more excuses for why RM keeps losing El Clasicos
Pep Guardiola- new line-ups to keep people guessing
Messi- to keep playing football
David Villa-understand offsides rule
Cristiano Ronaldo- people to like him
Pepe/Marcelo/Ramos- injure an FCB player
Xavi- space, space, space
Gerard Pique/Carles Puyol/Cesc Fabregas- to own Twitter