Author Archives: offsidehumor

Euro 2012 …so far

So here we are again. Another major competition and another chance to dissect national teams for players who may or may not deserve to be there.  Before bantering about stand out players I’ll just put this out there, Netherlands deserve to qualify.  No offense to team Cristiano Ronaldo (your posts have kept us afloat in terms of the people who view this nonsense) but playing wise Netherlands play a cleaner and more fast pace game.  It’s just unlucky that Denmark won the lottery for their match against Netherlands. Since we got that straightened out, there are huge surprises in this years Euros.

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Let’s start with Xavi Hernandez.  No doubt this guy practices his math to the bone.  His passes are dead on accurate and he managed to set a new record for most passes, and on top of that managed to embarrass Ireland by pretty much triple-quadrupling the amount of passes they made in the entire match.  I think the crazy statistic came out to be 136 passes and 127 completed.  Not to mention everytime he passed it was to the dominant foot of the player, but only because he’s half cyborg.

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Fernando Torres is back?! I know it’s hard for me to believe this also but against a team with a non-existing defense, it reaches the point of being ALMOST believable.  Fernando Torres ended up scoring against Ireland and ending his goal drought.  Believe me, if you haven’t been watching football for very long El Nino’s droughts aren’t like Messi’s (whose droughts last for 90 minutes).  El Nino has been on a 2 year goal-less streak for his national team.  Is he finally getting back into shape?  Is it because David Silva’s new found Spanglish helped him understand what assists Fernando Torres wants?  Did UEFAlona pay off Ireland? 

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Pique: “SEE NANDO it’s called a NET! now teach it to Villa”

Enough about Spain.  We know they’re good and we know they’re favorites.  So let’s switch to an even younger and blonder team.  Yes, we’re talking about the big looking German people called Mannschaft.  Geeze Germans these days… they’re all heart and all skill.  It’s refreshing to see a fast pace attacking game with a huge chance of seeing some shirtless bodies at the end.

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Uber Badstuber and T Mullz have been a crucial part of the German team.  Uber Badstuber is pretty much as solid as a defense gets.  And Thomas Muller’s crosses are fast and deadly.  If only they stop losing the damn ball so much they’d be up by a billion goals by halftime ends.

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Lastly, Mario Gomez’s 22 seconds of ball possession in the entire Euro 2012 yeilded 3 goals for the Germans already.  Efficient aren’t they.  It’s a shame that he didn’t take his shirt off for this photo though. 

 

Keep watching!

Euro 2012 Predictions

So our next favorite competition after the past Champions League, is finally here! Well almost…but Euro 2012 is going to anything and everything but boring (*knock on wood!*).  We’ve got huge Germans to little Spaniards, to the divers of Italy, and the parkers of buses from England.  Not to mention all the beautiful, talented, and rich people who will be going there—and by people we mean Cristiano Ronaldo.  There’s a lot of stuff you can’t miss, so you better check out the schedule, stock up on your favorite R-OH beverage, and wait! While you wait, here are our predictions for the unknown winners….

(posted first in offsidehumor.tumblr.com but originally found on @kidnutella’s twitter)

What would happen if…

Netherlands won the EURO 2012: Robben’s ego will be the only one inflated and the rest would still be a little disappointed that they let the world cup slip through their hands.

Portugal won: Cristiano Ronaldo would be an even bigger man-whore.

Spain won: The El Clasicos would make even more money and probably escalate the rivalry until every manager would want nothing to do with it.

Germany won: No one would be really surprised.  Except maybe Spain. and thomas muller

Sweden won: Zlatan Ibrahimovic would want his autobiography “I am Zlatan” to be read as a holy scripture

Italy won: all national teams would practice the art of diving

Greece won: Roman Abramovich would sell Chelsea and own Olympiacos and buy out C. Ronaldo, Iniesta/Xavi, Lionel Messi…and both Pep and Jose

Republic of Ireland: The entire UK will start, continue, and end their day with guinness.

England won: we would never hear the end of it and Wayne Rooney would probably off himself.

France won: the Irish would say they deserved it due to the result of Thierry Henry’s handball (his handball allowed France to qualify for the World Cup while Ireland drank themselves to death)

Ukraine won: Every country would want to host the Euros.

 

So there you have it! Any other predictions the comment box is right there.

Aside

It’s hard to be Cristiano Ronaldo.  No, it’s not because he’s a worldclass football player, rich, tan within an inch of his life, or (to most women…and men) “good-looking”, it’s hard to be CR7 because of the massive ego a … Continue reading

Copa Del Rey Preview

Okay, let’s face it the new aesthetic in football is parking the bus.  It’s becoming a sure but long way of winning these days.  You may have not known this, as closet (but now open) Barca fan, I regrettably retreated in my dark cave, and tried forcefully to swallow my tongue when I found out Chelsea won.  But alas, I failed and now I have a chance to see Barcelona’s Copa Del Rey final.  Something tells me this is another chance to see failure.

Why? Let’s look at the facts.  Pep has just resigned as Barca manager.  Unfortunate but understandable.   Tito is now appointed (officially!) as manager of the FC Barcelona first team– right before a final.  You can see see this in a good and bad way.  First the bad (since depression seems to follow Barca fans like a shadow lately…)– the bad side is players will probably be extremely confused when Tito will (I pray to the football Gods) actually pick a sensible line-up.  That’s the bad side, now here’s the good.  The good side is FC Barcelona will finally get a sensible starting line-up where players don’t get confused when they’ve just found out they’re placed in the keepers box in place of Victor Valdez.  Rumor has it, that Tito isn’t a fan of picking line-ups out of a hat and getting a little too fancy with the formations.

Where does the failure part come it? Well, once again, because FC Barcelona is all for traditions, we’ve been hit by another plague of injuries.  There’s Puyol’s knee surgery (one defender out), Dani Alves and his mysterious collar bone (defender 2 out), soleus issues, muscle discomfort..(can we throw in a hamstring injury? *knock on wood*)…But you get the point.  It’s either Barca players really do time their injuries at the same time, or…we can blame Shakira (just kidding…unless it’s a valid explanation).

Pep: Ok baby Barca boys….ugh…(I’m getting to old for this…)

Pep needs to recruit from our reserve, no not our bench, our other OTHER reserve.  FC Barcelona’s famous B team just jacked up with talented yet inexperienced players.  Who knows how they’ll do…That photo shows Sergio Roberto… he’s no defender.  So we’re basically out of defenders…Do we still count Gerard Pique? (Damn you Shakira).

Top 5 Real Reasons Pep Guardiola Left FC Barcelona

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"Pep saaaaaaaadddddd"

 

1. There’s some underground news about Pep starting a twitter account.  Rumor has it, the three musketeers (Puyol, Cesc, Pique) have recruited the now former coach.  Somehow they’ve convinced the philosophiser of philosophy to preach his speeches online for a bigger audience.  We don’t doubt it, but we’ll be keeping our eyes out for user names like @iamNOTpep / @theCreatorofFCB / @theREALbarcastuff.  Readers who are interested with finding Pep in twitter should find a person using “MOCMOC” other than Puyol, Cesc, and Pique.

2. We’ve also heard that Pep’s starting to get bored with FC Barcelona.  Or he’s “not as enthusiastic” as he was when he started.  Pep may have stated this the wrong way because its not Barca whose getting boring, its the people that play them.  Before, when the young (and still young) wipper-snapper took reign of FCB, no one expected Barca’s attacking philosophy.  Hence teams actually attempted to PLAY.  Nowadays teams park their airplane in the Camp Nou stadium and sit on their ass for the counter.  Hey, it worked for Chelsea…

3. Pep’s fashionable, tailor-made suits has ran rampid in his reign in football.  He’s notorious for well fitted pants and sweater vests.  No matter the weather, below freezing, scalding hot, you’ll see this coach in designer layered suits.  Unfortunately high end fashion designers, with the likes of Valentino and Emporio Armani has taken a new direction.  Take for example, Armani’s new girl Rihanna.  The “Little Miss Sunshine” singer has developed a new image of “gangsta’ life” and Pep, not being well-informed, didn’t want to trade his classy image to be paired up with RiRi’s skank image.

4.  Another speculation is that Pep wants to make an incredible comeback as an FCB player.  Yes this one is true!  Apparently he was extremely jealous of Iniesta’s bursting acting career (¡Piratas!) that Pep wanted to make the ultimate comeback in football in hopes for a movie being made about him.  I can’t find anyone playing Pep better than Pep, so it’s kind of a win, win.

5. Pep also gave a reason for his leaving saying, “I need to recharge my batteries”.  This may mean that he, like Samuel Jackson in Pulp Fiction, will just “walk the Earth”.  Nothing wrong with that either because he may be coming to a city near you!  That or someone just give him some working batteries…LIKE NOW.

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Mario Gomez Porn.

Pornography is definitely looked down upon here at offside hooligans, but as a congratulatory exception (because of the whole Bayern Munich going to the finals) we’ll give you a little bit of Mario Gomez’s body of work.

Super German, super FOINE!