Monthly Archives: June 2012

Euro 2012 …so far

So here we are again. Another major competition and another chance to dissect national teams for players who may or may not deserve to be there.  Before bantering about stand out players I’ll just put this out there, Netherlands deserve to qualify.  No offense to team Cristiano Ronaldo (your posts have kept us afloat in terms of the people who view this nonsense) but playing wise Netherlands play a cleaner and more fast pace game.  It’s just unlucky that Denmark won the lottery for their match against Netherlands. Since we got that straightened out, there are huge surprises in this years Euros.

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Let’s start with Xavi Hernandez.  No doubt this guy practices his math to the bone.  His passes are dead on accurate and he managed to set a new record for most passes, and on top of that managed to embarrass Ireland by pretty much triple-quadrupling the amount of passes they made in the entire match.  I think the crazy statistic came out to be 136 passes and 127 completed.  Not to mention everytime he passed it was to the dominant foot of the player, but only because he’s half cyborg.

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Fernando Torres is back?! I know it’s hard for me to believe this also but against a team with a non-existing defense, it reaches the point of being ALMOST believable.  Fernando Torres ended up scoring against Ireland and ending his goal drought.  Believe me, if you haven’t been watching football for very long El Nino’s droughts aren’t like Messi’s (whose droughts last for 90 minutes).  El Nino has been on a 2 year goal-less streak for his national team.  Is he finally getting back into shape?  Is it because David Silva’s new found Spanglish helped him understand what assists Fernando Torres wants?  Did UEFAlona pay off Ireland? 

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Pique: “SEE NANDO it’s called a NET! now teach it to Villa”

Enough about Spain.  We know they’re good and we know they’re favorites.  So let’s switch to an even younger and blonder team.  Yes, we’re talking about the big looking German people called Mannschaft.  Geeze Germans these days… they’re all heart and all skill.  It’s refreshing to see a fast pace attacking game with a huge chance of seeing some shirtless bodies at the end.

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Uber Badstuber and T Mullz have been a crucial part of the German team.  Uber Badstuber is pretty much as solid as a defense gets.  And Thomas Muller’s crosses are fast and deadly.  If only they stop losing the damn ball so much they’d be up by a billion goals by halftime ends.

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Lastly, Mario Gomez’s 22 seconds of ball possession in the entire Euro 2012 yeilded 3 goals for the Germans already.  Efficient aren’t they.  It’s a shame that he didn’t take his shirt off for this photo though. 

 

Keep watching!

Euro 2012 Predictions

So our next favorite competition after the past Champions League, is finally here! Well almost…but Euro 2012 is going to anything and everything but boring (*knock on wood!*).  We’ve got huge Germans to little Spaniards, to the divers of Italy, and the parkers of buses from England.  Not to mention all the beautiful, talented, and rich people who will be going there—and by people we mean Cristiano Ronaldo.  There’s a lot of stuff you can’t miss, so you better check out the schedule, stock up on your favorite R-OH beverage, and wait! While you wait, here are our predictions for the unknown winners….

(posted first in offsidehumor.tumblr.com but originally found on @kidnutella’s twitter)

What would happen if…

Netherlands won the EURO 2012: Robben’s ego will be the only one inflated and the rest would still be a little disappointed that they let the world cup slip through their hands.

Portugal won: Cristiano Ronaldo would be an even bigger man-whore.

Spain won: The El Clasicos would make even more money and probably escalate the rivalry until every manager would want nothing to do with it.

Germany won: No one would be really surprised.  Except maybe Spain. and thomas muller

Sweden won: Zlatan Ibrahimovic would want his autobiography “I am Zlatan” to be read as a holy scripture

Italy won: all national teams would practice the art of diving

Greece won: Roman Abramovich would sell Chelsea and own Olympiacos and buy out C. Ronaldo, Iniesta/Xavi, Lionel Messi…and both Pep and Jose

Republic of Ireland: The entire UK will start, continue, and end their day with guinness.

England won: we would never hear the end of it and Wayne Rooney would probably off himself.

France won: the Irish would say they deserved it due to the result of Thierry Henry’s handball (his handball allowed France to qualify for the World Cup while Ireland drank themselves to death)

Ukraine won: Every country would want to host the Euros.

 

So there you have it! Any other predictions the comment box is right there.