Hello, my name is Pep Guardiola, and I am the manager of FC Barcelona. Due to the high curiosity of today’s Football press, I was forced…err–convinced–to ask my fellow
sunshines players what they were thankful for during this Thanksgiving. Since we’re mostly 100% Spanish, at first they didn’t understand what holiday I was talking about, but after explaining to them that it’s a holiday of “giving” “thanks” (–hence the name Thanksgiving) they eventually came around (…some faster than others). I made them write down the things they were thankful for and compiled a list:
Our very own OffsidesKing, David Villa was the first one to give me his thanks. Heartwarming, but I still can’t sacrifice Messi being in the center.
David Villa: “I want to thank all the linesman who caught me offsides. You guys are really helping me achieve my goal to earning the “Golden Flag” trophy. And I want to thank Pique for telling me about it.”
Pedro: “I want to thank Pep for resting me all the time at random points of the game. Although I believe that Xavi or Dani Alves have worked twice as hard as me, I appreciate that Pep considers me as such an asset that he rests me…but I wonder if he’d still do it if Villa didn’t want a goal so bad…”
I don’t know whether he’s fully thankful for that one…
Sanchez: “I want to thank my abs for being so rock hard. And my team letting me be the only one who has them—which makes them even more rock hard.”
Hmm…that’s a pretty vain ‘thank you’. I’ll probably talk to him about that.
If I had to pick my favorite player out of the entire team, it’s pretty obvious. It would be a tie between all of them. But I hold a special place for Iniesta. That’s me and him when we were young’uns. He writes:
Iniesta: “I want to thank Xavi for keeping our telepathic connection a secret. I also want to thank my team for not getting scared of my ghostly appearance…although it does give me the ability to literally ghost past defenders…”
Ahh…don’t mind him. Iniesta does have an active imagination. Let’s continue with Gerard Pique.
Gerard Pique wrote:
Pique: “I want to thank Pep and FCB team for letting me stay on twitter. But I don’t appreciate them taking my twitter privileges away while on the pitch. I guess it gives Puyi less to yell about…Hey Pep, can I tweet this??”
Cesc: “THANKS FOR SCOOPING ME OUT OF ARSE–“
ALRIGHT–Well enough of Cesc. I’m sure he’s thankful for being with such great companions…NOT that his Arsenal teammates were bad…uughh…my PR is not going to be happy about this…
Puyol: “I want to NOT thank the person who didn’t cut Cesc’s hair and anyone who refrains from cutting Cesc’s hair. Someone PLEASE-HIS-HAIR.”
It doesn’t seem like Puyol got the exercise. …
My maestro writes:
Xavi: “I want to thank football for exsisting. I want to thank my football for being at my bedside every night. I want to thank Playstation for helping me practice passing into space. And lastly, I want to thank SPACE, SPACE, SPACE.”
Hmmm….I think I’m starting to see Pedro’s point about resting Xavi.
Now I’ve saved the best for last, here’s what Lionel Messi has to say:
Messi: “I want to thank everyone whose carried me for the 200+ goals I’ve made in my career. I want to thank Pep for giving me lolipops and candies for everyday I show up for football…but I did tell him I’d show up for free. And lastly I want to thank my grandma even though I’m not scoring righ–kidding–just scored, thanks grandma.”
Well there we go. I didn’t get the entire team, but hopefully the favorites got covered. Now I want to give special thanks to Ibrahimovic for making me look like a victim of his imbecility in his new book and Mourinho for always making me strive to be a better coach.
¡Visca Barca!…and Happy Thanksgiving!